on my way to skinny…
this blog has been a long time coming…
26 years in the making actually!
My name is Maegan. I am 26 years old and have been battling with being overweight since I was about 7 years old… that’s my earliest memory of being made fun of for my weight anyway.
I have spent the last couple of years sharing pretty vulnerable with my best friend, Jacqui, about my weight frustrations and struggles, and have found a surprising amount of compassion, support, encouragement, and faith that I didn’t expect. I think I decided early on that fat = ugly = shameful , so I never allowed myself to share the burden with anyone other than my mom (who has battled her own weight struggles alongside me for the past 19 years).
I remember joining sparkpeople.com with Jacqui 2 years ago and being floored that people were so open with their weight! Since then, I have gained about 30 pounds, putting me at the most I have ever weighed. I can’t even tell you how many resolutions I have made, times I have thought it was hopeless and resorted to wishing and praying the weight away, and medical weight loss options I have considered. I have recently come to the realization that something HAS to give.
I am 26 years old, 5’7”, and 281.7 lbs as of 5 minutes ago. (down 5 pounds in the last month!!! hooray!). According to Weight Watcher’s height/weight calculator (http://www.weightwatchers.com/health/asm/calc_healthyweight.aspx) I should weigh between 128-160. ABout 6 years ago I got down to my all time low of 184 and I was a 10/12, so at 160 I would be about 6/8 which would be perfect for me! So that puts me at having approximately 120 pounds to lose. All past failed attempts aside, 120 pounds, at 2 pounds a week, should be attainable in 14 months. That seems like such a huge amount of weight, and such a long time from now to see the rewards of my labor, but somehow, it seems feasible at the same time.
I had a realization at target yesterday, while I was walking around finishing some Christmas shopping, and taking an outing since I’ve been in bed for 4 days with Strep :/ …anyway my realization was this:
- I want to have babies. At this weight, if I were able to get pregnant in the first place, I would have an at risk pregnancy, for sure. I want people to be able to tell I’m preggo early on, and not have my baby be disguised under my fat belly. I want to be able to enjoy being pregnant, feel beautiful, and cute in maternity clothes, and comfortable with people rubbing my belly, not like I’m just the same old chubby girl. Not to mention, the danger to my poor babies, and myself.
- When I get married, I want LOTS of sexy undies and lingerie. It is difficult to find cute and sexy bras and undies in size 42DD and 2XL, 20/22 - let alone the embarrassment of publishing that size for family and friends (all skinnier than me) to try to find stuff. VS doesn’t sell stuff that will fit me…
There are many many more things… but these two things hit very close to home. I am wanting to get married in the next year (eeek!) or two, and want to have babies soon after that (God willing for both of those dreams)… and I have to make some serious changes so that I can enjoy both of those things.
I would be unhappy wearing a plus size wedding dress and feeling fat on my wedding day, but I would get over it. I would ignore or avoid the lingerie embarassment by asking for giftcards and shopping on my own, but I would never forgive myself if I wasn’t able to have babies because of my lake of care for the fertility and the body that God has given to me as a gift.
One day at a time… I deserve to be a skinny bitch too!! :)
